Look at me go.

I haven't written in two weeks. Why? Because I am alright, because I am okay. Sure I might be sleeping in past 4pm most days and feeling like a total lazy fat ass, but even with that I am alright. I don't cry. I don't feel depressed. I don't hope and pray that Zack will call. He actually did, last night that is, he called me while he was all loopy on Ambien, talking about how much he missed me and how it would be a bad idea for me to come sleep over for a night but he so wanted me to anyhow. It didn't hurt. It didn't even sting. I just told him to go to bed, get some sleep, alone. I was a little annoyed that he was interrupting the conversation I was having with Matt. I laugh when I talk to Matt, when I talk to Zack... lord only knows what I will do, but most of the time it includes tears. I am good on the tears for now. There is this song by Kate Nash that I adore because of the chorus alone. It is called Merry Happy.

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

It is that line: I can watch a sunset on my own, I can be alone yeah. I can. I can be alone. I can look at the sky and feel okay, alone. I can go to sleep at night without having that overwhelming need to talk to him, to tell him good night. I can exist, I can live, I can smile and laugh and do even better than I was, and I can do it all on my own. That is a serious epiphany right there. Seriously. I have been afraid that he would leave me for 6 very long years because I wasn't sure how I could possibly lead a happy existence without him. It sounds melodramatic maybe but 6 years of being completely in love with someone is a long time, it is a lot, I gave him every little bit that I am and I never regretted it. I still can't bring myself to regret it. I was mostly happy and he loved me with as much as he could. I just deserve more love than he could give me. So I am not afraid anymore. I am a 22 year old woman who is looking at the world for the first time and I am smiling and excited and just itching to get this life started.

Nicest Thing.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something