Stuck in the in between.

I don't want to do it anymore. I want to take all of the pills in my apartment. I want to slash my wrists. I want to bleed out. I want to die, please, please just let me die. I made it easy for everyone, I didn't even bother unpacking all of my things. Easier to move them, store them just like all of Jessie's things that way. God, first I lose Jessie and then I lose Zack. My head, my heart, they can't take it. I can't take it. I used him to make it better. I used him to help fill the hole. I leaned on him. I cried on him. I told him everything. And he helped and he made it easier and he loved me. And then I lost him too. And God I sound so stupid, just another stupid girl crying over another stupid boy. But you all know that I am just... broken. Why are you all keeping me here???? If you loved me, if you understood, you would just let me go.... just let me go. But here I am, stuck here in limbo, hating every day, hating waking up, hating going to sleep, wanting so much to die... I tell everyone that I have taken up the new philosophy that if I ignore it it will just go away... maybe that is because I figure if I ignore it for long enough I will be dead before it comes back around. But that isn't true is it? I don't have that choice! God don't make me be here anymore. Please, can't we rewind and have you take me instead? I wasn't made for this. Please, please just rewind and take me.

It was only a matter of time

I've never cut this deep before. So deep that the skin separates around the gash. I have been told that I will have a nasty scar, but my scars have a habit of disappearing pretty quickly when it comes to me. I didn't have much of a choice, I want to end it, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel so stupid knowing that a lot of it is over a stupid man, I feel downright pathetic and I know that I look that way as well. He got over me, he has made that very clear... He got over me and I got left behind. It is my own fault for jumping from relationship to relationship after him... though if I hadn't made myself unavailable would we have gotten back together? Will we ever get back together? False hope, I am full of it, my heart, my mind, my soul... like we belong together or nothing. I know it is bordering on the obsessive. I know it is crazy. I know I sound crazy and I hate it. I know I need to get over him but I can't. I can't even begin to figure out how. I don't even know where to start. I hurt everywhere, there is a gaping hole in my chest, emptiness, nothing. We both want different things, I can't hear that line enough... but really, I just want him, just him. I want to be able to love him the way I want to, I want to kiss him when I want to, hold him, pet his hair, tell him it will all be okay, send him letters when he is in OCS, silly notes meant to make him smile, weather reports, comics, constant "I love you"s. I miss being able to say I love you without things getting dramatic. I miss hearing him say it back. I miss knowing that he was mine, as much as he could belong to anyone. Now he is with her... now she has the right to call him hers. And I have no right at all. I am just the pathetic, heart sick, dramatic, depressed ex. I am nothing.

Are we really back here? AGAIN?

3 Ambien. 10 Klonopin. No where near testing my limits, no where near as many pills as I need to take to get the job done.

It isn't all because of a boy. It seems that way but really, he is just the catalyst. I really only live for work. I wake up and go to Woodbridge, I get out of work, maybe eat something, climb in bed and go to sleep until I have to be in to work again. Work is the only place I feel happy, maybe because I have just gotten really good at acting my part when I am there?

Zack isn't mine anymore... I fucked that one up huh? I push the kid to move in with me, then break up with him when he says no, then beg him to come back only to get turned down, and then I get into a relationship with the first guy that treats me nice, and when he leaves me I go right to the next one who special... it was only a matter of time before reality caught up to me. And it has. I never got over him, maybe those 2 men were just my way of getting back at him for shunning me when I begged him to come home to me... maybe they were just what everyone thought: rebounds. Either way I am right back where I started. Crying, heart breaking, suicidal, alone, wanting nothing more than him. Have I ever wanted anything as badly as him? Ever? Will I ever again?

Pleae Please Please Please Please....

You are on your way over and I am terrified. No decision will be made this evening, we are just going to pretend that everything is normal, just like before, because we are both lonely and, while I know that I am in pain, I think you are in a bit too. If you wind up deciding to be without me later on there is a good chance the memory of this night will kill me but I had to ask you to come. I had to hold you, see you, run my hands across your face, through your hair, down you back and I just want to pretend that things are the way they were, that you are still mine. I wanted it all to end tonight, all of this pain, all of this drama. I wanted to run straight to the door as it opened and jump into your arms and ask you to promise you would never ever do this to me again and you would kiss me over and over, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, and you would tell me "I'm so sorry baby" and you would hold onto me and everything would be better. It would be like this past awful, horrible, terrible week hadn't happened. I would keep on falling in love with you and maybe someday you would love me just as much.

All of these woulds and ifs and maybes and hopes and dreams and wishes built up in my head and heart, clawing at my insides, they're such happy thoughts but they make me bleed. This morning I dreamed of you, we were happy, and I awoke and signed online and you were there and I screamed "I'm here! I'm here!" and then you were gone and I cursed the world and I cursed hope and I cried. Hell I'm crying now even though I am partially getting what I want, I am getting an evening with you. I am so delicate, so fragile, everyone tells me to be strong but with you... I would do whatever you said, whatever you asked and I don't even fucking know why. You aren't the man of my dreams. You aren't who I was looking for. You do things that make me angry and gross me out and annoy me, but I want you this badly anyhow.

Thirty minutes and you will be here. So long. So long to wait. Be here now. Be early once. Don't make me wait any longer, I am a mess inside, I am freaking out, I don't know what to do. Be cool, be aloof, don't be needy, that is the advice that I have been given. I don't know how to do any of those things, those aren't honest and I always promised to be honest. Go with the flow I guess? Follow your lead? But I have to touch you. I have to hold you. I don't care if that goes against the rules. But I am so scared, terrified, shy... how do I do it. Just rise from the couch and walk to your arms and hope they wrap gladly around me? Wait for permission? Wait for you to make the move, hope you make the move... I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do... I need a guardian angel whispering in my ear, telling me what to do so that everything goes smoothly and well and end happily. I can't do this alone. I guess this is why people go for religion. God is grown up's imaginary friend, there for them always, so they never feel alone. I can understand that. But I can't lean on any God, I don't trust any God after Jessie. So I have me. And I know that deep down I am strong, to get through Jessie I had to be strong, there is a soldier in there somewhere... but there is this fragile little girl too and she seems to be in charge lately. Maybe I will get lucky and the soldier will come out and take over and make the decisions and show him how tough I am, fearless, not some needy whiny woman but a fighter, a grown woman, steel for bones and I don't bleed because I cannot be wounded. Soldier.

Only 6 minutes have passes. Jesus Christ. Time time time time be on my side, move faster for me, bring him to me, stop this insane waiting. I am going through so many personalities I am wondering if I have a disorder. The moods are swinging and I just keep typing, writing, calming, I write and I wish that I could just write everything I think for the rest of my life because I am oh so awful at speaking and I get tongue tied and flustered and embarrassed and confused and I wind up sounding like an idiot. Later, in my head, I re-enact the entire interaction in my mind and I say everything I should have said and I sound so smart and everything goes so well and I look so good. See writing I can do that, I can get my point across, I can sound intelligent and I am well spoken and I can change the god damned world if I want to. That is what got him here. He was here and I was tongue tied and terrified and I let him walk all over me but then, later, I re-enacted it and I knew what I should have said and I wrote it. And I sent it. And now he is coming. And he is rethinking things. The one thing I am good at, the one thing on this earth that I know I can do and do well. The one thing. And I will use it whenever necessary and now I am lost and rambling and he is going to be here in 19 minutes, if he is on time that is, if he is late I will be even more of a wreck, Jesus.

Okay. Play it cool. Be aloof. But not cold. Just cool. Play it cool. How the fuck am I supposed to play it cool when my heart is in my throat and tears are hiding behind my eyes and my lungs can't get enough air. How how how how... It would all be a lie but I need to keep him. Does that mean playing aloof, even though that is lying? Or should I be me, full on, over powering, possibly terrifying, and chance scaring him so far far, too far far away...

Okay. I will be me but I will joke. I will show him my new camera and tell him that I paid off my computer and show him the silly bottle of wine that Caroline bought for me and maybe mention that i haven't eaten all day, just for kicks, and I will have him marvel at my clean room and tall him about how I might be moving into Caroline's old place, which holy shit might have a dishwasher and holy shit you are here. You're here.

What happens....

What happens when you don't eat for three days and overdose on Klonopin? This is one of those "if I die, my bad" posts. I just don't feel like eating, the light headedness that comes with the hypoglycemia distracts part of my brain. The Klonopin distracts another portion of my brain into thinking I am a zombie. Then I am only left with that chunk of brain that realizes she is alone. That realizes she just got dumped by what she thought was a fantastic guy. She realizes she won't be getting anymore hello kisses or kisses goodnight, no more holding hands or random touches or fingers running through my hair. No more. And now comes the stage where I hope, constantly hope, he changes his mind and comes back to me, even though I know he wont. No more feeling wanted, even loved. No more. So I take the drugs on an empty stomach and I pray for oblivion and should I fail to wake in the morning know that it was not fully intentional but it is not unwanted either. It isn't because of a boy it is because of life, I was not designed to handle life and that is why, should I fail to wake in the morning, part of you should breathe a sigh of relief for me, for it means that my pain is over.

Mother Fucker.

FUCK YOU. I was perfect. I did everything right. I took care of you the way no other woman has. I made you fucking happy. I tried so FUCKING hard. And now you need your SPACE? Fuck you when you say you aren't pushing me away, you're kicking me in the gut, tearing out my heart and slamming door after door in my face. I tried being nice. I tried babying you. I tried understanding. But. I repeat. FUCK YOU. I have reached my limit, if you give a good goddamn about me you will see me, you will see me tonight, you will apologize for the HELL, the fucking AGONY you have put me through and you will do whatever it takes to make this okay. I'm tired of being timid, I am tired of crying every single mother fucking night, I am tired of waiting for you to give a shit. So make up your fucking mind, you want to be with me or you don't. Pick.

You are going to tell me to fuck off and it is probably for the best because I deserve so much better than this.

Fuck You. You're Crazy.

I warned you. I told you. Over and over again. And then you were great and you kissed me and held me and made me fall for you and then I have one of my bipolar day. I mutter the word suicidal and it's all over. You said you need time to think but I have heard that. I know that phrase. You are going to leave me all alone. All alone again. I TOLD YOU. I WARNED YOU. I thought we would be together for so long. You said I would be with you in Grand Rapids next year and I believed you, I was so excited, it is all I ever wanted. And you are going to tear it away from me.

Will it always be like this?