Dani?! Where have you been???

So I am going to attempt to have another go at the book again. Recently, and by recently I mean since the last post that was related to the book, there has just been a lot of stressed caused by school, family and just life in general and it has made writing anything coherent/well thought out nearly impossible. This is evident in the past few posts which I will dub as 'bi-polar posts' because trust me, there will be more. If you are uncomfortable with reading those types of posts feel free to skip over them but this is my personal blog and I need a place to vent so it is only natural that I vent here. I am also hoping to follow Treading Water (the memoir about Jessie and the aftermath) up with another short piece on depression: how it effects/hurts those who suffer from it and the ones who love them and how it can be handled/treated correctly. My 'bipolar posts' are a window directly into the mind of a person suffering from bipolar disorder and I think that, come the time that I begin writing that piece, those posts will serve me well.

I have been in a low for the past several weeks and am working on clawing my way out, I see the horizon and that makes it easier to breathe. Carly's mom (if you read the memoir thus far you should know who Carly is but if you have not, she is one of my closest friends) was admitted to Bronson Hospital a few days ago with pneumonia and a lung infection, she has been in critical care since. She is hooked up to a defibrillator and has been placed into a medical sleep (coma is too scary of a word) to lessen any discomfort all of the tubes and wires would cause her. This woman was so close to me in high school that I called her Mom without even thinking about it. She is one of the most selfless, caring, loving, resilient women that I know and knowing that she is in the condition that she is in terrifies me. Bad things shouldn't happen to good people, but look at my family, look at my Aunt Linda and her family... we were/are good people, and it doesn't get much more 'bad' than death. My faith in optimism is shaken, was destroyed when Jessie died, in the stages of being rebuilt before Aunt Linda died, and now it is standing on very weak legs. So I could use some help, I know that several of the people who read this are much more religious than I am, which in a way makes me think you have more power, but I do know that you have prayer circles and things... could you please pray for her? For Laura Woodruff? She is an amazing woman and I don't know what might have happened to me during high school if it weren't for she and her daughter. Please send her your positive energy and prayers and thoughts, we already know that she is going to be asleep and on the defibrillator in critical care until Sunday but let us hope her sleep is restful and that soon after she wakes she is healed and able to return home healthy.

Thanks all. For the past two days my life has consisted of school, finishing graduation party invitations (which will be sent out tomorrow!) and worrying about Mamma Woodruff. Carly is flying in from Boston on Sunday, her older brother, Spencer, who is also a good friend of mine, will be here from Arizona tomorrow. The troops are rallying, strength in numbers. So let us hope that the stress declines from here on out, because a mind free of the burden of stress is a mind that can be productive. What can a productive mind do? It can finally finish this damned book!!!

It's too late to apologize.

She is dead. I was a stupid 16 year old and I thought that I was so much better than her. I looked down on her. I loathed spending time with her. I fought with her. And now it is too late to apologize. It is too late to tell her that I love her, that she wasn't a bad sister, that I wanted to grow up with her. Too late. I watch siblings yell now, say things now, and my heart breaks and my eyes tear up and I grind my teeth in anger. SOMEDAY IT WILL BE TOO LATE. SOMEDAY YOU WILL REGRET WHAT YOU JUST SAID. I want to scream, I want them to understand. Someday they will remember that moment, remember the yelling, remember the hurt in the others' eyes, and it will tear them apart. Please, listen to me, please... but I guess that it is just one of those things that people have to learn the hard, terrible, worst way possible. You have to lose someone in order to realize how important it is to tell those you care about that you love them, to compliment them, tell them that you are proud of them, that they are beautiful... before it is too late. This list of things I said to Jessie that I wish I could take back is miles long, and the list of things that I wish I had said but never did might be longer. Regret. It punches holes in you and it beats you down, you beat yourself down, because you have no one to blame but yourself.