It's too late to apologize.

She is dead. I was a stupid 16 year old and I thought that I was so much better than her. I looked down on her. I loathed spending time with her. I fought with her. And now it is too late to apologize. It is too late to tell her that I love her, that she wasn't a bad sister, that I wanted to grow up with her. Too late. I watch siblings yell now, say things now, and my heart breaks and my eyes tear up and I grind my teeth in anger. SOMEDAY IT WILL BE TOO LATE. SOMEDAY YOU WILL REGRET WHAT YOU JUST SAID. I want to scream, I want them to understand. Someday they will remember that moment, remember the yelling, remember the hurt in the others' eyes, and it will tear them apart. Please, listen to me, please... but I guess that it is just one of those things that people have to learn the hard, terrible, worst way possible. You have to lose someone in order to realize how important it is to tell those you care about that you love them, to compliment them, tell them that you are proud of them, that they are beautiful... before it is too late. This list of things I said to Jessie that I wish I could take back is miles long, and the list of things that I wish I had said but never did might be longer. Regret. It punches holes in you and it beats you down, you beat yourself down, because you have no one to blame but yourself.