Incapable.

I am defective.

I am weak.

I am self-loathing.

I am incapable.

Tell me that I can do things, go places, be something. Tell me I am not a failure. You believe in me and for a moment I believe in my too. And then this wave hits me and I am once again defective. weak. self-loathing. incapable.

Welbutrin.
Seroquel.
Paxil.
Prozac.
Abilify.
Lamictal.

What combination does it take? How many milligrams? To make me normal. Able to function. Able to beat this, my own mind, my own nature, my own craving to die.

I am nothing.

I wish...

that Jessie wasn't dead.

that I had been the one to hang myself and not her.

that Zack wanted to be with me the same way I want to be with him.

that I was the old me, strong, confident, cocky, independent, unafraid.

that I could go places and do things without worrying abut money and mental health.

that the world didn't scare me.

that people didn't terrify me.

that life didn't have to be so damned hard, day after day.

I wish...

I wish that I could just let go, leave, say my final good byes and be done with living this life. I wish I could just die in peace. Soon.

Don't leave me.

3 Ambien, 4 Klonopin. Why? I know it wont kill me, tried that one before but the stupid world, that sadistic masochistic entity we call GOD won't let me die. So I just take them in hopes of dulling the pain, in hopes of escaping this reality for as long as I can. Because Zack is leaving. Zack is leaving for 3 months for OCS, a place he can't take me. But then he will be based in Florida, where he could take me, where we could share a crappy apartment on base and he could run his drills and further his training and I could stay in that apartment writing and painting and cooking and I could be there when her got home, dinner waiting, hello kiss, crawl in bed with me at the end of the night, every night. I'd be there every morning, at the crack of dawn to kiss him good bye. I want that, I want to be there, I want to be his.

But he said no.

I shouldn't have asked, I knew the answer before he said it. Take me to Florida with you, let me live with you, let's be together after OCS.

No. I can't promise that, he says.

He wants me to wait, to be there through OCS to talk to him, to be his strength, and I want to be there for him too. But I thought, hoped, that after OCS when he was based in Florida he would want to take me too. No. He wants to continue the long distance purgatory he has me in. The limbo. The hell. The slow suicide. I can't do it.

God for so long, since that first kiss when we were juniors in high school, I have been his. Why can't I have the right, the certainty it takes, to call him mine as well? Why have I had to live these pat 6 or 7 years knowing every second of every day that he would leave me in the end? Why did I stay?

Because I love him, more than anything, more than my own life. I gave him everything I have. I helped him get into the Navy, I helped him in his pursuit to accomplish his dreams even knowing it would take him away from me in the end. Because I am good for him. I am the best for him. I would do anything for him and be happy with it.

I want to be his. I want him to take me with him. I want to be there waiting for him day after day.

I can't waste my life waiting for him to change my mind. I can't. So in 3 months. After OCS. We will see. Either he and I will be together, whether here or far away, or we will be apart. We will be a memory rotting within one another's hearts and minds. And then, as time goes by, we will be nothing. I will be nothing but I fear, even then, I will still be his. And it isn't fair. God it just isn't fair. Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't he love me like I love him? Why must it be like this? Why must it kill me from the inside out, over and over again when he mentions a future in which i do not reside?

I've been through enough pain, more than most people experience in a lifetime, and not that pain is about to nearly double. I AM ONLY 23 YEARS OLD. You sick sadistic masochistic God. You asshole. Fuck you for putting us through this. Jessie, my family, Zack, myself. Damn you. We are good people, we are good fucking people, stop pushing us, stop pushing me to this suicidal point when we both know I am incapable. I'm your sick little joke, Your experiment. Am I passing? You sick fuck.

So in short, Zack is going to leave me in the end. The love of my life, the man that I would die for without a second thought, the man that I would do any damned thing for, is going to leave me, probably in 4 months. A time limit. I'm on a schedule. How many I love yous can you fit into 4 months? I can tell you, not enough to change a single god damned things.

I'm taking another ambien. Please, I just need it all to go away for awhile.


EDIT:

Just took 3 or 4 more ambien, and I think 4 more klonopin. I'm losing count. Bet $100 I still wake up though. God has other, more heart wrenching, painful, depressing plans for me, ones far worse than death. Bastard.

How am I STILL NOT ASLEEP??