i was on a roll back then

The world is crashing down in a cascade of mosquito bites and stars, the streets are cracking and hell is bubbling out over the asphalt. Run for your lives. Run for your worthless lives. No one cares, you are no one anymore, what you do you do for them so that they will accept you, so that they will love you, and now this facade that you have erected has overcome everything that you once were. You are nothing, you are a mask and you can't figure out how to get the damn thing off. All that is left of what once was is the unwavering certainty that it is gone forever. And so the houses crumble to the ground and the sky rains down in tears that no one can successfully wipe away, no one can fix you anymore, no one can fix this but yourself and you are dead to the world. The stars rain down in flaming memories of what once was, scorching you insides and making you bleed, making you scream in an anguish that no one could fathom, that no one can hear. You're not an individual anymore, you're an idea, a statue erected for the sake of what you believed would be your own happiness, a machine programed to do as others hint, you're not real, you're a fake, you're nothing, nothing to me, nothing to anyone, because no one knows you anymore. You lead these people to believe that they love you, that you are who they think you are, when in reality you are cringing inside, afraid that they'll figure you out, afraid that they'll turn away and you'll be left loving them, alone. Pathetic. You are so pathetic, you're a manican, a movie star, what people want to be, you created this image to make them want you and now they do and you can't enjoy it because you live in this constant fear that you will lose everything. Congratulations babe, you won

just what i do

I don't feel like talking anymore. This LJ is worthless, writing in it as though I can save these seconds in time, fix these thoughts into something that will never die, pretending you want to read them, pretending I'm interesting enough to make you care. I should stop writing, but I won't, because it's just what I do.

I want to set some of this to music.

"I see the world in snapshots, a black and white movie on pause beneath a photographic sky, waiting for the print to fade and the ink to run dry. I'm different today, my mind is so full, I hate so much, I hate that I am so lost yet so sure of my footing at the same time. I hate that I have no future, that I don't remember my past, it's as though I don't exist. I hate star crossed lovers and all their twisted truths, they stare into eachothers eyes and promise not to promise a thing, they laugh all the time, they smile all the time, she say's their special but he laughs it off, she knows their different but he wants to believe that we're all the same. We're on different planes here, lover, he called her that that night, I love you I love you I love you, an endless chant she dies to believe, she twists it around her black heart until the skin breaks and she bleeds, she'll believe it if it kills her because she knows it's true. She hates how she wants him, loves him, but she loves it at the same time, loves making him smile, loves making him laugh, loves holding him and loving him because no one else could love him the way she does. Star crossed lovers, you can rot in hell, I don't believe in you anymore. "

Delving into the past

I am going through the archive of my old Live Journal, the one I started days after Jess died. I remembered that used to post lyrics half the time and decided to look up some of the songs for old time's sake. Found this gem in the mix, by Maria Mena:

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

I also re-realized that I am an astounding writer when I am depressed and it further cemented my decision to go off my meds. I made the mistake of mentioning this to Zack, who has been around the one or two times that I haven't been on meds in the past 6 years. But maybe it'd be different this time... maybe I won't be so suicidal and depressed, maybe I will just be less foggy and the words will come more easily.

If the sun burns your feet, you're just not dancing fast enough.

wayward disconnected thoughts, capture them in you hand and throw them at the stars

Up and down, round and round, never stopping, just hitting ground. Getting up and falling again.

Eyes so dark they'd make you cringe.

And then there are the saved conversations with Zack and Andrew.

[private post]sometimes he makes my insides go all mushy. no wonder he has me [Dec. 6th, 2004|11:29 pm]
Unseen Stratagem (11:11:38 PM): i want to go for a walk in the rain
Atrus12 (11:13:16 PM): whys that?
Unseen Stratagem (11:13:42 PM): because i like rain and walks and not being here
Atrus12 (11:14:10 PM): so whatd your parents say?
Unseen Stratagem (11:14:52 PM): my dad told me to get off the computer and unload the dishwasher, my mom didnt talk to me when i came in
Atrus12 (11:16:46 PM): ya, my mom told me im late. two black kids tried to break into the house because they needed to call their boys because people were chasing them
Unseen Stratagem (11:17:01 PM): thats... interesting
Atrus12 (11:17:49 PM): ya, i dont really know whats going on with this town anymore
Atrus12 (11:17:51 PM): i hate people
Atrus12 (11:17:55 PM): wanna run away?
Unseen Stratagem (11:17:59 PM): please
Atrus12 (11:18:58 PM): thatd be fun
Atrus12 (11:19:04 PM): i like exploring
Unseen Stratagem (11:19:13 PM): me too.
Atrus12 (11:19:21 PM): the world may be completely mapped -but not by me
Atrus12 (11:19:27 PM): it doesnt exist till i see it really
Unseen Stratagem (11:19:47 PM): i like just driving away and not caring -- exactly
Unseen Stratagem (11:20:18 PM): nowhere and no one exists until ive seen em, otherwise, theyre bits of fiction really
Atrus12 (11:20:59 PM): nope
Atrus12 (11:21:03 PM): theyre not fiction
Unseen Stratagem (11:21:13 PM): just had to disagree
Atrus12 (11:21:24 PM): theyre nameless faceless entitys that i can hate to my7 content
Unseen Stratagem (11:21:39 PM): that sounds pretty okay
Atrus12 (11:21:43 PM): uh huh
Atrus12 (11:21:53 PM): did you like sleeping with me?
Unseen Stratagem (11:21:57 PM): mhm
Unseen Stratagem (11:22:23 PM): why do you ask?
Atrus12 (11:22:34 PM): what about when id pull you closer?
Unseen Stratagem (11:22:43 PM): thats my favourite part
Atrus12 (11:23:30 PM): im glad
Atrus12 (11:23:36 PM): maybe we can do it again sometime
Unseen Stratagem (11:23:46 PM): mmk
Atrus12 (11:23:53 PM): hah
Atrus12 (11:24:00 PM): what... you dont want to?
Unseen Stratagem (11:24:23 PM): what would make you think that
Unseen Stratagem (11:24:33 PM): id love to
Atrus12 (11:25:06 PM): im glad
Atrus12 (11:25:15 PM): i woke up every now and again
Unseen Stratagem (11:25:33 PM): oh?
Atrus12 (11:25:35 PM): one of the times i woke up it was right when the sun came up
Atrus12 (11:25:58 PM): i looked up into my mirror and saw you sleeping there
Atrus12 (11:26:05 PM): you looked so content
Atrus12 (11:26:13 PM): maybe even a little happy
Atrus12 (11:26:30 PM): it was beautiful
Atrus12 (11:26:40 PM): i looked for a little while longer
Atrus12 (11:26:50 PM): then pulled you close and went back to sleep
Unseen Stratagem (11:27:21 PM): im glad
Atrus12 (11:27:23 PM): oddley enough though, i was plauged by night mares of some many fassets of life
Atrus12 (11:27:34 PM): my life i mean
Unseen Stratagem (11:27:47 PM): while i was there?
Atrus12 (11:27:55 PM): uh huh
Atrus12 (11:28:03 PM): i have bad dreams all the time
Atrus12 (11:28:08 PM): its nothing new
Atrus12 (11:28:23 PM): haha... i just realized i said it
Unseen Stratagem (11:28:29 PM): me too- said what
Atrus12 (11:28:40 PM): i meant, that you were beautiful in to morning light
Unseen Stratagem (11:29:07 PM): oh
Unseen Stratagem (11:29:25 PM): ... thank you

Then this bittersweet one, it was Andrew's away message one night.

Auto response from I Touched Sound (1:18:01 PM): So, my thinking has lead me to a few conclusions. That game doesn't mean half as much, I could throw that out the window just to be there, My boredom isn't random and sparatic its caused by you, sure caring makes me weak I know that and it bothers me. I don't want to care about you, but I do. I don't want that blue hair, or that red hair, or the dark haired girl from that movie, I don't want Scarlet Johansen or for god's sake Natalie fucking Portman….See the thing is I just wanted you. Sometimes ideals get stuck in the way of what's really needed and wanted But I wanted to say something and now I think I have lost the faith needed for that, I have lost the faith I put in you and my ideas on being together. So here's to last goodbyes sweetheart, here's looking at you kid.

What would have happened if I had wound up with Andrew rather than Zack? He obviously wanted me more than Zack did at the time, or maybe he just wanted me because I belonged to Zack...


Blaring rock, blurring words,
Fade into the background of my thoughts.
Rearview mirror, sad sad eyes,
Honey, you look so lost.

Driving, wishing I have no place to go,
The minutes tick down to my sadness.
I don't want to leave,
Not yet, please no,
Let me lie here, forever.

Winding roads, twisting fates,
What if, what if, what if...
Whose eyes are those? Sad sad eyes,
Honey, you look so down.

Jesus, I cannot believe that I wrote this:

Talk to me in the dark, I can't see your face but I know it so well. Hold me and make this our own world, I don't like the one beyond those doors. I know you'll leave, I know you'll go, but I never expected you to stay this long. We'll keep our secrets and we'll laugh away those awkward nervous moments. I'll always remember that look on your face, I'll always remember that timber of your voice. I couldn't forget you, babe, if I tried. So hold me just a little longer, till the moon sets and the ice turns black, hold me closer and it'll all feel okay.


I wish my life were okay. More than okay. I wish my life were sitting in a tree, listening to the waves and looking at the mountains, I wish the wind was whipping through its hair and tickling its skin. I wish my life were happy.

Sometimes the words get all dammed up by a torrent of unruly tears before they even reach my lips.

hah, working at Kalamazoo 10 in a depressing little nutshell:

And so, the sun will set behind that wall of glass as the patrons walk in an out to and from their brief escape from life. The smells, the voices, the faces will all fall into a silence, grating on my sanity. And I'll stare out that glass wall, and I'll watch the cars go by, and I'll wait...wait...wait until I can crash through it and back into life. Only to return again...and again...and again.

I loathe the need for capital with every fiber of my capital-less being.


People want pictures of me, are you afraid you'll forget me? I'm afraid you'll forget me, so take a picture, and keep it, and remember that I exist.


The sun just shined through a slit in the blinds, the first I've seen of it today; it's falling on my face. It warmed my heart.


Alright copying and pasting all of this is getting ridiculous. Why can't I be that girl again? Why cant I think those things and write those things? Why did I have to go and grow up and change into... this... whatever I am now. I want to go back to her: http://jinxx329.livejournal.com/