This is going to be me.

The end.

And so here it is. The end. He calls it a break, I call it the end. I need to. Once something has ended you don't wait for it to come back. I can't wait. I won't. I can't. My mind is clear, it knows that this is for the best, that being without him, the man he is now, is the best. But this ache in my chest disagrees. It is odd that emotional pain can actually cause real physical pain. It would be easier if it didn't, if that ache in my chest weren't there to remind me that something, someone, was missing. There is a chance that someday, far in the future I am sure, he will come back and he will be different. He will still be the Zack that I love, but he will have grown up, he will have gotten over his childhood trauma, he will have gotten over his debilitating fear of commitment and he will have realized what a fool he was to let me go. But there is also the chance that he will find some other woman, one who rides motorcycles and knows all about airplanes and has tight abs. And he will date her, and marry her. He mentioned dating and marrying someone else when we talked today, as we finalized it. It cut, stabbed, burned, hurt. I never thought of that scenario before. I had thought of he and I together, I had thought of me with someone else and he alone. Selfish of me to think that I would be the one to get the happy ending. Wouldn't it be ironic if he was married less than a year after he joined up? Ironic or horrifically painful? The latter. I should get off this subject, the pain grows with it.

I will cry, at some point I will cry, when is a mystery. I don't want to yet though. I took 4 Klonopin, 3 Tylenol PM and 2 Benadryl, I just want to go to sleep before the pain hits and the tears come. If I am not asleep in an hour I am taking 2 more of something. My body can handle it, if not, it was meant to be. I guess this is sort of a disclaimer, if all the pills I just took wind up killing me tonight, it wasn't on purpose, it isn't on purpose, I am not suicidal. I just want to sleep. I feel peaceful right now, maybe not happy, more torn really. But I am at peace, I know that the decision that was made earlier today was the right one and I will stand by that and keep believing that and I will make it through this. Even if it does take heavy, ill-advised over-medicating.

We all cope in our own ways no?

Goodnight sweetheart, time to go.

Dryer - Seen Enough

* I've seen enough to know I've seen enough, seen enough to know
* There go my eyes remind me next time so I keep them closed
* I like to pine away for what I hate it keeps me in the dark
* Just like a one-track-mind dont let me start you keep me sharp
*
* Once more into the crowd
* Temptation wears you out
* Go home your heart's too loud
* always
*
* It's no surprise that all the things I like are making me a ghost
* I should have never started killing time I can't go slow
*
* Once more into the crowd
* Temptation wears you down
* Go home your heart's too loud for all the ways out

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone.

The air is so thick with it that we can hardly breathe. It clogs our throats and stills our tongues, why can't we just say it? Talk about it? You are leaving me. What is to come of us? Of me? Nothing. Nothing at all is to come of us, you are leaving me behind and though that is just as I always knew that it would end, my heart aches. My eyes beg me to let them cry, my mind screams and my heart cracks but we will not talk. We will play the same game that we have been playing for over six years, we will "cross that bridge when we come to it," we will worry about it when it happens... except that it is happening. The call could come months from now, weeks from now, tomorrow, and then you will be gone and I will be left waving good-bye and trying my damnedest to look as though I am not dying.

All of these people write of love and happy endings. I read a romantic novel a night and sneak in a "chick flick" whenever possible. Does that make it worse? Is that why my heart is so idiotically optimistic? I just have to believe in it, in that love that they all write about. If it weren't out there, if it didn't exist, no one would write about it would they? Right? It has to be out there, if it doesn't exist then I will never find it and I want to find it. So badly. I want the love that the books and the movies are made of. I feel that love now, that all consuming need to be with him, to make him happy, to see him smile, to hear him laugh. I am happiest when I am with him, most at home in his arms and yet... and yet, how shall I say? "No cigar." Is it worse, having this love without the aforementioned happy ending? Would I, my heart, have been better off without knowing it? In the saddened state in which I currently reside I will say yes. I love him and the memories with him are dear, but once he is gone they will tear me in two.

Telling him all this only hurts him more. I am not the only one suffering, he loves me as well, just not enough. So instead of talking to him, pleading with him, here I am, alone with my words. I am sure that speaking with him is the healthier option, healthier than holding it all in, keeping my mouth shut when we are together and ignoring the terrible tension between us. But I just can't do it, I can't cause him pain, I won't. Besides, everyone is always telling me how strong I am, how I underestimate myself, perhaps this, suffering in silence, will prove you all right.

And when he is gone I will go on. The world will keep turning and I along with it. And perhaps someday I will get my happy ending, if not with him then with someone else who can feel that overwhelming love just as deeply as I know I am capable of. And then happily ever after, right? Someone to come home to every night, someone to laugh at my jokes (as terrible as they are), someone to calm me down when it feels as though the world is out to get me (as it always seems to be), someone to just hold me and let me cry when a bi-polar low hits be hard, someone to be there. Someone I can count on. Always. No second guessing, no worrying that I am not enough. No more knowing that I am not enough.

Someday I will have someone who says things like this:

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”


“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."



Someday. Please don't let it be too far away.