The end.

And so here it is. The end. He calls it a break, I call it the end. I need to. Once something has ended you don't wait for it to come back. I can't wait. I won't. I can't. My mind is clear, it knows that this is for the best, that being without him, the man he is now, is the best. But this ache in my chest disagrees. It is odd that emotional pain can actually cause real physical pain. It would be easier if it didn't, if that ache in my chest weren't there to remind me that something, someone, was missing. There is a chance that someday, far in the future I am sure, he will come back and he will be different. He will still be the Zack that I love, but he will have grown up, he will have gotten over his childhood trauma, he will have gotten over his debilitating fear of commitment and he will have realized what a fool he was to let me go. But there is also the chance that he will find some other woman, one who rides motorcycles and knows all about airplanes and has tight abs. And he will date her, and marry her. He mentioned dating and marrying someone else when we talked today, as we finalized it. It cut, stabbed, burned, hurt. I never thought of that scenario before. I had thought of he and I together, I had thought of me with someone else and he alone. Selfish of me to think that I would be the one to get the happy ending. Wouldn't it be ironic if he was married less than a year after he joined up? Ironic or horrifically painful? The latter. I should get off this subject, the pain grows with it.

I will cry, at some point I will cry, when is a mystery. I don't want to yet though. I took 4 Klonopin, 3 Tylenol PM and 2 Benadryl, I just want to go to sleep before the pain hits and the tears come. If I am not asleep in an hour I am taking 2 more of something. My body can handle it, if not, it was meant to be. I guess this is sort of a disclaimer, if all the pills I just took wind up killing me tonight, it wasn't on purpose, it isn't on purpose, I am not suicidal. I just want to sleep. I feel peaceful right now, maybe not happy, more torn really. But I am at peace, I know that the decision that was made earlier today was the right one and I will stand by that and keep believing that and I will make it through this. Even if it does take heavy, ill-advised over-medicating.

We all cope in our own ways no?

Goodnight sweetheart, time to go.