Stuck in the in between.

I don't want to do it anymore. I want to take all of the pills in my apartment. I want to slash my wrists. I want to bleed out. I want to die, please, please just let me die. I made it easy for everyone, I didn't even bother unpacking all of my things. Easier to move them, store them just like all of Jessie's things that way. God, first I lose Jessie and then I lose Zack. My head, my heart, they can't take it. I can't take it. I used him to make it better. I used him to help fill the hole. I leaned on him. I cried on him. I told him everything. And he helped and he made it easier and he loved me. And then I lost him too. And God I sound so stupid, just another stupid girl crying over another stupid boy. But you all know that I am just... broken. Why are you all keeping me here???? If you loved me, if you understood, you would just let me go.... just let me go. But here I am, stuck here in limbo, hating every day, hating waking up, hating going to sleep, wanting so much to die... I tell everyone that I have taken up the new philosophy that if I ignore it it will just go away... maybe that is because I figure if I ignore it for long enough I will be dead before it comes back around. But that isn't true is it? I don't have that choice! God don't make me be here anymore. Please, can't we rewind and have you take me instead? I wasn't made for this. Please, please just rewind and take me.

It was only a matter of time

I've never cut this deep before. So deep that the skin separates around the gash. I have been told that I will have a nasty scar, but my scars have a habit of disappearing pretty quickly when it comes to me. I didn't have much of a choice, I want to end it, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I feel so stupid knowing that a lot of it is over a stupid man, I feel downright pathetic and I know that I look that way as well. He got over me, he has made that very clear... He got over me and I got left behind. It is my own fault for jumping from relationship to relationship after him... though if I hadn't made myself unavailable would we have gotten back together? Will we ever get back together? False hope, I am full of it, my heart, my mind, my soul... like we belong together or nothing. I know it is bordering on the obsessive. I know it is crazy. I know I sound crazy and I hate it. I know I need to get over him but I can't. I can't even begin to figure out how. I don't even know where to start. I hurt everywhere, there is a gaping hole in my chest, emptiness, nothing. We both want different things, I can't hear that line enough... but really, I just want him, just him. I want to be able to love him the way I want to, I want to kiss him when I want to, hold him, pet his hair, tell him it will all be okay, send him letters when he is in OCS, silly notes meant to make him smile, weather reports, comics, constant "I love you"s. I miss being able to say I love you without things getting dramatic. I miss hearing him say it back. I miss knowing that he was mine, as much as he could belong to anyone. Now he is with her... now she has the right to call him hers. And I have no right at all. I am just the pathetic, heart sick, dramatic, depressed ex. I am nothing.

Are we really back here? AGAIN?

3 Ambien. 10 Klonopin. No where near testing my limits, no where near as many pills as I need to take to get the job done.

It isn't all because of a boy. It seems that way but really, he is just the catalyst. I really only live for work. I wake up and go to Woodbridge, I get out of work, maybe eat something, climb in bed and go to sleep until I have to be in to work again. Work is the only place I feel happy, maybe because I have just gotten really good at acting my part when I am there?

Zack isn't mine anymore... I fucked that one up huh? I push the kid to move in with me, then break up with him when he says no, then beg him to come back only to get turned down, and then I get into a relationship with the first guy that treats me nice, and when he leaves me I go right to the next one who special... it was only a matter of time before reality caught up to me. And it has. I never got over him, maybe those 2 men were just my way of getting back at him for shunning me when I begged him to come home to me... maybe they were just what everyone thought: rebounds. Either way I am right back where I started. Crying, heart breaking, suicidal, alone, wanting nothing more than him. Have I ever wanted anything as badly as him? Ever? Will I ever again?