Fly Leaf- Feel's Like Falling

When I said good morning
I was lying
I was truly thinking of
How I might quit waking up

He pointed out how selfish
It would be to kill myself
So I keep waking up

It feels so much like falling
Dying while I wait to die
The fear of something or nothing
Lonely empty lie

I don't want to be here, lying
I don't want to be selfish anymore
I want so much to change
Learning your love everyday
There's still so much to know

You grip my wrists
I let go

It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here


It feels so much like falling
Separated from the fear
Aware of a destination far away from here
Far away from here

Why hello there Depression. What's that you say? You want to punch me in the face?

My life is lived upon a set of train tracks. Part of the time I am picking the Forget Me Nots that grow between the railroad ties and pretending the endless steel beams are a balance beam on which I walk one step in front of the other, heel to toe, heel to toe,, sometimes doing some gymnastics moves I learned in a past life. It is a contented existence, just me and my flowers, I sit on the beams and I watch the sun rise and set and I smile at the change in color.

But then sometimes those steel bars begin to vibrate and I know that the time has come. Sometimes I fight it, I run as far from the tracks as I can, trampling the Forget Me Nots and getting grass stains on my dress, I try to climb the fence that surrounds me, the one that I only notice when I feel the train,my fingers bleed from trying to climb the tall wooden fence and my hands and feet are full of splinters. My own blood tracks my futile attempt to climb the unclimbable wall. Then I blink and I am back. Standing in the center of the tracks, watching the pebbles hop and feeling the ground move as it comes closer. I look over at the bloody mess I made of the fence, at the trampled flowers, at my bloody fingertips, and I want to try again. I close my eyes in dread because my feet are made of concrete and I know that any second now that train is going to lay me flat.

Other times, when I feel ground moving and see that light off in the distance, I merely sigh and take up my post. I know there is no use fighting, this is who I am and this is the price that I pay for being that person. I lie across the tracks, rest my head on the cool steel beam and watch everything around me scatter at the train's approach. I see the bright light in front and the shadow that is the faceless driver, I see the wheels come towards where my head lies and then it is there and I am gone.

And then there are the times when I don't feel or see the warning signs at all, too caught up frolicking and picking my flowers and laughing to pay attention. And then I stand from picking a small bouquet of the blue flowers and there is the train and within seconds I am obliterated.

This time it was the latter. I have been doing so well even under the stressful circumstances that I am under. I have been smiling and laughing and going out and hating my life a little less every day. But then this afternoon I lifted my head and there it was and, like always, I didn't stand a chance.

I wanted to write it out or cry it out but living in my mother's living room as I do and she was already on her way home from work, that was not an option. So I took 2 Tylenol with Codeine, 3 Klonopin, 2 Ambien, 2 Benadryl and the last of the Nyquil. I have found that the more drugs you take the faster you, generally, are knocked out. Which is the point. It is like... sedating a wild animal before it can do it or anyone else any harm. Well that isn't exactly it, I do it because getting hit by that god damned train isn't exactly a picnic and I'd like to sleep through the after effects than spend the next several hours crying and fighting the urge to do something dangerous with the sharpest knife we own. No that does not mean slit my wrists, it means cut. Just cut and watch the blood and breathe knowing that, though I may not have control over my brain and that damned train, I have control over my own body.

Where am I now? Tired and embarrassed. Zack got used to the lows (the post-train wreck me) after about 4 years and generally handled them, and me, the best he could. I wish that I could have hidden this wreck from Matt but the god damned train hit me mid-conversation. I showed him this blog one idiotic night to "warn" him about me but I had hoped that he would never have to face that side. I feel as though, as long as I am the way that I am (which we have concluded is going to be the rest of my life) I will be alone. I am too much to handle, too much baggage, too much crazy. Sure there will be men, such as Zack, who will love me and handle it but in the end they will do what he did in the end and give up. He said that he wasn't sure how much more of this he could take and I wanted to scream because he isn't the one who is mangled and bleeding inside. I am. But he was just over it, he pulled out other excuses but I knew that it was coming. Always did when I would curl up in his arms sobbing and he would fail to soothe me in that exasperated voice of his. I don't blame him for giving up, I'm not sure that i would hang around me if I had a choice. I'm a ticking time bomb of crazy here and you never know if you're going to be caught in the blast or stuck with the clean-up.

Perhaps it will be some sort of competition, the rest of my life that is. How long can they handle me before they realize I am not worth all the trouble. How long until they give up on fixing me, give up on making me smile?

The record to beat is 6 years and I am amazed Zack lasted that long.

This is the song that I fell asleep to earlier. Sort of fitting.
Lykke Li: Possibility

There’s a possibility
There’s a possibility
All that I had was all I gon’ get
There’s a possibility
There’s a possibility
All I gon get is gone with your step

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by mean
You walk like a thieve
By blood and by mean
I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know

Tell me when my sigh is over
You’re the reason why I’m close
Tell me if you hear me falling
There's a possibility
It wouldn’t show

By blood and by mean
I fall when you leave
By blood and by mean
I follow your lead