Pleae Please Please Please Please....

You are on your way over and I am terrified. No decision will be made this evening, we are just going to pretend that everything is normal, just like before, because we are both lonely and, while I know that I am in pain, I think you are in a bit too. If you wind up deciding to be without me later on there is a good chance the memory of this night will kill me but I had to ask you to come. I had to hold you, see you, run my hands across your face, through your hair, down you back and I just want to pretend that things are the way they were, that you are still mine. I wanted it all to end tonight, all of this pain, all of this drama. I wanted to run straight to the door as it opened and jump into your arms and ask you to promise you would never ever do this to me again and you would kiss me over and over, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips, and you would tell me "I'm so sorry baby" and you would hold onto me and everything would be better. It would be like this past awful, horrible, terrible week hadn't happened. I would keep on falling in love with you and maybe someday you would love me just as much.

All of these woulds and ifs and maybes and hopes and dreams and wishes built up in my head and heart, clawing at my insides, they're such happy thoughts but they make me bleed. This morning I dreamed of you, we were happy, and I awoke and signed online and you were there and I screamed "I'm here! I'm here!" and then you were gone and I cursed the world and I cursed hope and I cried. Hell I'm crying now even though I am partially getting what I want, I am getting an evening with you. I am so delicate, so fragile, everyone tells me to be strong but with you... I would do whatever you said, whatever you asked and I don't even fucking know why. You aren't the man of my dreams. You aren't who I was looking for. You do things that make me angry and gross me out and annoy me, but I want you this badly anyhow.

Thirty minutes and you will be here. So long. So long to wait. Be here now. Be early once. Don't make me wait any longer, I am a mess inside, I am freaking out, I don't know what to do. Be cool, be aloof, don't be needy, that is the advice that I have been given. I don't know how to do any of those things, those aren't honest and I always promised to be honest. Go with the flow I guess? Follow your lead? But I have to touch you. I have to hold you. I don't care if that goes against the rules. But I am so scared, terrified, shy... how do I do it. Just rise from the couch and walk to your arms and hope they wrap gladly around me? Wait for permission? Wait for you to make the move, hope you make the move... I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do... I need a guardian angel whispering in my ear, telling me what to do so that everything goes smoothly and well and end happily. I can't do this alone. I guess this is why people go for religion. God is grown up's imaginary friend, there for them always, so they never feel alone. I can understand that. But I can't lean on any God, I don't trust any God after Jessie. So I have me. And I know that deep down I am strong, to get through Jessie I had to be strong, there is a soldier in there somewhere... but there is this fragile little girl too and she seems to be in charge lately. Maybe I will get lucky and the soldier will come out and take over and make the decisions and show him how tough I am, fearless, not some needy whiny woman but a fighter, a grown woman, steel for bones and I don't bleed because I cannot be wounded. Soldier.

Only 6 minutes have passes. Jesus Christ. Time time time time be on my side, move faster for me, bring him to me, stop this insane waiting. I am going through so many personalities I am wondering if I have a disorder. The moods are swinging and I just keep typing, writing, calming, I write and I wish that I could just write everything I think for the rest of my life because I am oh so awful at speaking and I get tongue tied and flustered and embarrassed and confused and I wind up sounding like an idiot. Later, in my head, I re-enact the entire interaction in my mind and I say everything I should have said and I sound so smart and everything goes so well and I look so good. See writing I can do that, I can get my point across, I can sound intelligent and I am well spoken and I can change the god damned world if I want to. That is what got him here. He was here and I was tongue tied and terrified and I let him walk all over me but then, later, I re-enacted it and I knew what I should have said and I wrote it. And I sent it. And now he is coming. And he is rethinking things. The one thing I am good at, the one thing on this earth that I know I can do and do well. The one thing. And I will use it whenever necessary and now I am lost and rambling and he is going to be here in 19 minutes, if he is on time that is, if he is late I will be even more of a wreck, Jesus.

Okay. Play it cool. Be aloof. But not cold. Just cool. Play it cool. How the fuck am I supposed to play it cool when my heart is in my throat and tears are hiding behind my eyes and my lungs can't get enough air. How how how how... It would all be a lie but I need to keep him. Does that mean playing aloof, even though that is lying? Or should I be me, full on, over powering, possibly terrifying, and chance scaring him so far far, too far far away...

Okay. I will be me but I will joke. I will show him my new camera and tell him that I paid off my computer and show him the silly bottle of wine that Caroline bought for me and maybe mention that i haven't eaten all day, just for kicks, and I will have him marvel at my clean room and tall him about how I might be moving into Caroline's old place, which holy shit might have a dishwasher and holy shit you are here. You're here.