Broken.

Covered in bruises inside and out. I just want to be allowed to be happy, no strings attached, no titles, no promises. Just happy. I deserve it don't I? Haven't I paid my dues? But there is always something. There are always those lines, the ones that haunt my brain, the voices intermingling.

"I like you too much, it scares me."

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment."

"We can still be friends."

The next time I allow myself to feel for someone I think I will tell them right off the bat, if you want to end things at any point just skip all of the lines and punch me in the gut. Then just walk away, I'll get the point, I'll feel exactly the same and it will save time.

I don't want to be a girlfriend again. I have been a girlfriend for a quarter of my life. I don't know what I want to be and I don't want to, didn't want to, think about it. I just want to be happy. I just want to know that there is someone there that is in just as deep as I am, that is just as lost in it as I am. It is scary and it makes you vulnerable but if it makes you happy just fucking go for it. I learned a long time ago, the hard way, that you can't wait for things to happen, you have to take them as they come, enjoy the moments, make them count, be happy. Because it could all be over tomorrow, just like that. There is this James Dean quote: "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." I lived my life by that quote on top of one that I just realized is ridiculously, almost painfully, fitting. Mario Andretti: "If you feel in control, you're just not going fast enough." I want to run, I want to fly, i want things to happen but the world is pumping the brakes around me and I feel trapped, stuck in gridlock traffic and banging my fists against the steering wheel. I wish I had the guts to just get out of the car, get out of the crush, and run for it. Run for miles, run forever and never look back. Instead, here I am, living my life in slow motion, agonizing over every day, not so much living as though they were my last but wishing they were my last instead.