Idiot.

How did I let this happen? I went from being independent and alright with it to waiting for his texts, staring at my buddy lists waiting for his name to appear. Pathetic. Fucking pathetic Dani. Seriously fucking pathetic. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? I've got 2 options I guess. First, I could go with what he wants and be his friend, his good friend. Second, I could disappear, he didn't know that I existed a little over a month ago and I can make that happen again. Sever all ties, a book out of the Levi's book. Mother fucker. Both of them would be hard. The entire time that we are friends I will just be waiting for him to realize he misses what we were before and to take it back and kiss me again... and if what he has been saying is anything to go by, that isn't going to happen. If I disappear I will miss him, I'll miss talking to him online for hours and texting over a hundred texts back and forth a day... though it sort of looks like all of that is going to change anyhow, no matter what he says. CHRIST I have been crying on and off for 2 days straight, what the fuck is wrong with me? I didn't even cry this much after Zack broke up with me. Fuck I don't even know who this is. Friends that I have had for years, over a decade, wonder what got into me. I don't let my guards down, I don't jump in without thinking, I don't let myself get vulnerable like that and I never have. But I did, it took less than a fucking day. Less that 12 hours. A month smiling like a moron at every text, every message, every word, kiss, touch, just being so stupid, blind happy that I wasn't thinking, that my walls fell and now here I am. Fucking sobbing. Daily. And worse is that I can't stop myself from reaching out over and over hoping... hoping he says what? Does what? Christ I'm obnoxious and pathetic and stupid and not ME. I am supposed to be STRONG. Fuck this. Fuck whatever this is. I guess if it could make me so happy so fast it's no wonder it can completely crush me just as efficiently. And if I had to use one word to describe me I would go with 'crushed.' I feel like a damned kicked puppy. I was sitting there all happy and stupid, wanting nothing but to please, and I got booted. Hard. It doesn't matter how nice the guy is, hell maybe the nicer they are the worse it is, that punch in the heart always takes the breath out of me. Always? He is only the third guy to ever do this to me, only the third guy to set me aside. I guess I can say always because Zack did it so many times that I should be full up for a lifetime. I wish he was awful. He is incapable of being anything but a great guy and it makes it worse in a way. When I told Domo that I needed a hug today hi response was "oh shit, who do I need to knock out?" I wish I could've given a name, been pissed enough to want to see that. But nope, pathetic puppy, still sitting here and hoping he will turn around. Mother fucker I sound like a fucking lunatic. Sever ties. I don't see any way around it. Disappear. It will be like I never existed. Get ready heart, here we go.