Practice makes perfect.

My mind is learning quickly how best to protect me. Whenever my thoughts stray to a sweet comment, a gentle touch, a random kiss on the back of my neck, those beautiful idea that were laid out in front of me just days ago... whenever it strays in those directions this big iron gate slams down and stops them mid-step. It makes things easier. I didn't mean to hurt him when I said that I wished I could erase those weeks from my memory, I was only trying to make him understand the hurt that the memories from those days and nights cause me. I wish that I didn't remember the time he pulled me into his chest while we waiting in the line to see Toy Story; or how when I picked him up from home the first thing he did, even though I was on the phone, was swoop in for a kiss like he couldn't wait another second; or how he told me that I should go for it, touch him, hold his hand and put my arm around him wherever we were because he swore, pinky promised, he would never pull away; or how good and natural it felt to fall asleep next to him and wake up to him nuzzling my neck in the morning... all the little things, the tiny things that no one else has ever given me, those are the things that shoot through my armor and pierce me, make me bleed. I wish I could forget those tiny things, the things that made me so deliriously happy that I had to tell every one of my friends about them right away. I will stop texting him about all of this, it won't change a thing and it only makes me look like a pathetic, weak, sort of clingy ...something. Who would want to be with that? I will just pour it all out here and hope that he has forgotten the blog's address and doesn't read it. If he does read it? If you are reading it... hell. I guess I've never been anything but honest with you about all things, and I let all of my guards down with you, showing you this blog when I've shown it to no one else proves that. Hope it doesn't freak you out just how attached I got to you, how much I am hurting even though we had only known each other for a month. Maybe I hope that reading all of this will show you... something and make you change your mind. Though it would probably only solidify your decision being that it sounds like I am asking for commitment. That isn't the case babe. I don't want commitment, I don't want titles, I just want those little things back, those little things that kept me smiling, kept me going. That is all that I would ask of you, all that I would need. But I have a feeling that even that is asking too much.

And so the iron gates slam shut again, locking all those beautiful memories behind them, far away from me. And I will go on as though I am not hurting, as though I am not already missing it all, I will go on as a soldier again and I will no longer allow this yearning to drag me under.