Violated.

It feels as though someone has grabbed hold of my heart and is holding onto it so roughly that it can't beat. This is why I stay away from people. Complications. No matter the age there are always complications and drama. I can pity the characters in my books as I watch them stumble through life, get angry at them for making wrong turns and stupid decisions, I can do that all in the safety of my own bed. Away from all the stumbling and wrong turns and bad decisions. I got sucked in, it isn't Matt's fault, well okay it is partly Matt's fault for being so god damned sweet and romantic but it was bound to happen eventually. Can't hide from the real world forever, which is exactly what I have been doing since Jessie died. I saw too much humanity that week, I broke so many hearts, so many lives. I held so many people while they broke down. I broke down. So when the opportunity to shield myself behind Zack arose I grabbed onto it with all I had, and I held on for 6 years. No shield now, which explains how this hole got punched through my chest. I wish that I could lock myself in a room and just write for the rest of my life. Never meeting anyone new, never having any visitors, never worrying about what anyone thinks of me or what everyone is doing. Just me in that windowless white room, just me and my words, no love, no pain, no anything. Numb. That is what I want to be. I just want to be numb.